I can't believe that I am actually doing this....that I am actually so desperate as to set up my own website to ask for donations, but here I am, at my computer, in the middle of the night typing this up.   I am so humbled by this and at the same time terrified.  I am sick to my stomach as I write this and very close to crying.  I can't believe that I have let myself get to this point.  It truly makes me sick.  I know that I need help and really do not know where to turn at this point. I guess you could say that I am truly desperate.

I am in debt.  Nearly $25,000 worth of credit card debt!  I added it up the other day and nearly fainted when I saw the numbers.  I had been in denial for so long and did not know how much I really owed until I sat down with my statements and added it all up.

I have NO clue how I am going to pay all of this off.  I pray to God every single night to help me with this or work some sort of miracle.  I got myself into this mess and I am hoping to get myself out of too.

I am a 38 year old stay at home mom of a beautiful ten your old girl.  I love her to death.  She is my world and I would do anything for her.  I am married to a wonderful man.  He is a good, decent human being.  He is a hard worker and he works incredibly hard for his money.  I am proud of him.  He is my best friend.  I trust him with my life.

We made a decision, when I was pregnant, that I would stay at home with our daughter until she moved on to college.  We are not having any more kids (I can't have any more kids).  I have enjoyed staying home and taking care of my child, my husband, and my home.  I like being there for her everyday and I would not have it any other way.  I love my family and it truly pains me to know that I have hurt them.

My husband and I have differing views on money.  He is a saver and I am a spender.  This was not always a problem for us until I had our daughter.
Before my daughter was born, I had control over my life/money/spending.  My husband trusted me with our finances.  I trusted myself with our finances. I did not abuse his trust until after my daughter was born.  It all started out slow........nothing outrageous or drastic, but has spiraled out of control over the past few years. 

I have been in and out of therapy for this and I know that I have a sickness.  I am currently on antidepressants and I am trying to work through this day by day.   I am a compulsive shopper/spender.   Shopping is my drug of choice.  I get a high when I shop.  The problem has only escalated over the years.  There are times I get better and times I seem to get worse.  Well, this is the worst it has ever been for me.  I have truly hit rock bottom. 

It all started with post partum depression, low self esteem, loneliness, and that desire to "keep up with the joneses".  It is always that feeling of just one more thing and life will be okay.  Just one more outfit and I will be happy and content.  Well, that happiness never came!!!!!  I never found it.  All money does it create problems. I know money does not buy happiness, but I have been searching for it for several years now at the mall!!!  Money is truly the root of all evil!  Money has NOT brought me happiness.  Only sadness.  Now, I have this house full of nice clothes and material things, but I do not find any happiness in any of it!  All it does is serving as a reminder of the debt that I am in.

The worst part of this is that my husband does not have a clue.  It makes me SICK to keep this from him, but he would be devastated by this.  We have been down this road before and he has bailed me out several times over the years that we have been married and each time I have had to build up trust with him.  I am pretty sure he would divorce me if he found out about this current debt.  That scares me to death.  Makes me sick to my stomach to know that I have done this to him and to my daughter.  All because of my sick, selfish ways.  It is not fair to them. 

I have no one to ask for a loan.  My credit cards are maxed out and I do not have a job, so all I can pay is the min balance on these cards each month.  I can barely do that!  You are probably wondering how I manage to keep this all from him........all the cards are in my name and I have them delivered to a PO Box. 

My husband has control over the money.   We have separate accounts.  He gives me a weekly allowance to cover food, meds, day to day stuff, etc.  I try to pay what I can on my debts, but I realize that I am only paying the interest.  I will be paying these cards off for the rest of my life at this rate.

I want to pay them off within a year and get back on my feet and in control of my life again.  I hate this.  I hate the lying.  I hate living like this. The stress of this has really worn me out.  As a result, I have gained a lot of weight.  I eat to cope with the stress of this mounting debt.  I now have some health issues as a result.  It is a vicious circle.  I feel trapped my debt.

I hate being dishonest with my husband, but I feel like letting him know would do more harm than good.  He works so hard for his money and I just don't think it fair to ask him to help me out of a mess that I created. 

I have no family to turn to for help. I am too ashamed anyway to let them know of the circumstances that I am in.  I have thought about a part time job and still debating whether or not I am going to do this.  I have not worked in over ten years and entering the work force again after being absent for so long is a bit scary.  I feel overwhelmed enough with debt and trying to control my weight and getting a job to top it all off just adds to the stress.

As I had stated earlier, I am currently on antidepressants.  I realize I have a problem.  My therapist agrees that telling my husband would not be a good idea at this time.   I do not want to burden him with this right now.  Maybe someday I will tell him, but not right now.  He is saving up his money to buy his own airplane and I do not feel like it is fair of me to ask him to bail me out once again.  He deserves something that he has wanted for years and I will not deny him of that. 

I have a LONG road to travel.  I have a lot of issues to work on.  I want to start new..........start over.  I want to be happy.  I realize now that money does not equal happiness.  It has taken me a good ten years to find this out!  I don't expect to get better over night.  I want to get better, but I know now I need to work on this from within.    I want to have control over money.  I want control over my life again.  I want to be able to breathe and enjoy life.  This debt is like a dark cloud hanging over my head.  It is always there.  It is the last thing on my mind at night and the first thing on mind in the morning.  I think about it each and every day.  I struggle to control it each and every day.  Some days are better than others.  Some days I give in to temptation and spend spend spend. Some days I can say NO.  I am so hoping with time, therapy, and medication I can get better.  Compulsive shopping is truly an illness.  It controls your life!  I would not wish this on my worst enemy! 

I feel guilty asking you to help me when I know there are others out there who are truly poor, sick or really in need of money.  I feel selfish.  But, I would truly appreciate it if you could make a donation.  I would be forever grateful to you.  Any amount......small or large would help.  Each and every penny I receive from this is going to pay off these credit card bills.  When they are all paid off, I am canceling every single one of them!!  I will NEVER get another credit card again.  I will just use my debit card.  NO MORE credit cards!  The thought of reaching that goal brings a shred of hope to me.  I can't wait until that day....the day I can call those credit card companies and tell them to CANCEL my account.  I so look forward to that day and I am hoping that you can help me reach that goal.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read my story.  If you decided not to donate, I understand.  I just hope that someone out there will read my story and realize how easy it is to get into debt and maybe just maybe my story will stop them from making foolish mistakes.

Member #DM9J6V3