You lie there inside a dark room, no, a dark coffin. No cracks, no holes, no gaps. You wonder how can you still breathe…but you do. You go on.
You think, wow, how hard this world really is. This world of people trying
to find their way. You remember when you used to be a kid. How happy life
was back then. You had no worries. Kids don’t have worries. Their only worry
is to discover new things, new faces, and not get caught by mom. You wish
you could come back to the good old days. Funny. The good old days. 

You sound like an old man. But, hey, you wonder if many old men have gone
through the things you have, while still being a teenager. You wish you
could still worry about that … getting caught by mom. Mom. What happened to her? Oh, how you loved her. You still love her. But it’s so hard. It’s just so tough, when all she does is speak of some “game” against her, some conspiracy, accuses the whole world, even her own children and mother of
conspiring against her for years, to what? Ruin her life? … 

She is in her own little world now. You can’t relate anymore. Just listen and pretend you understand. The only thing that you can talk about with her is sports teams. She seems so normal and healthy when you talk to her about sports. You remember how she used to throw the baseball to you so you could get some practice batting, how you used to play tennis with her when the summer rolled in. God, how you used to take for granted those times. When she was normal. You don’t even remember now…what you used to talk to her about back then. 

It seems like such a long time ago. Still there are glimpses of this normal her … sometimes…like when she talks about sports, and remembers how she used to pitch to you. You wish you could do something. Return to those old days. Maybe take her to get treated. But the world is such, that you
have to pay for everything. But you have no money, you have no insurance,
she has no insurance. What do you do? Hope for a miracle, you guess. Or.
Just wait. What about dad? Wait, maybe dad can help. He sure can come up 
with something…but, oh, wait, your imagination is playing tricks on you again. He died just a couple of years ago. How ironic life can be. Him dying 
while staying in a hospital, when a doctor had just given him a medical and told him he was perfectly healthy. 

You were in shock for a year, maybe longer, you think. You remember the day: the piercing scream coming from mom, tears streaming down your eyes, down your brother’s eyes, even though you’d both forgotten how to cry. You had a dream that night. Dad was in it. He told you he will watch over you. You just hope the dream would come true one day. Soon, maybe. Now you are in college. You never expected college to be so hard, even a top tier school. But what did you expect? Remember, you have to have money for everything. They didn’t give you enough financial aid, so you have to work full time now. But it’s so hard to keep up with school and work. You went on academic probation last semester because of it.

So you have to use credit cards now. Eight of them. Most of them reached
their limit now.  So you’ve got student loans and credit card debt piling
up, mom’s mental health won’t allow her to support herself, there’s no
health insurance, not to mention the cost of the basic needs, like food. So 
what now? How do you expect to pay all this off, help mom, and brother, not
to mention yourself and your depression? How do you go on? It doesn’t
matter. This was your parents’ dream when your family immigrated here from 
Russia. For you to get a great education and make a man of yourself. You 
just hope, though. You hope that something good will happen. Some kind of a
miracle. Something good for once. In all these years. You pray and hope and
wait, in the meantime clawing your way. 

Clawing your way towards the light.
The hope. Clawing your way out of this dark horrible coffin. Because you are
not ready to be buried yet. Not just yet…This is a story of my life. I wrote this in story format to make it easier to read and understand my situation. In no way am I trying to claim that my life is the worst possible life to live, but it is hard to deny that I am going through a lot of hardships at this moment. All I am asking is to helpme and my family deal with these hardships, and come out strong. Help my mom to get her treatment, help me finish college and pay off my enormous debt,and help me support my mom so she can live a normal life. Please. 

If you feel that your money will be better off donated to somebody else, I will not argue with that. But if you feel that you can spare even a few dollars to me as well, I will greatly appreciate it with all my heart. All I hope for is a little bit of my childhood happiness to come back. Thank you.

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